How Friendships Change After Baby — And Why You Need Them More Than Ever
SURPRISE! Just like, well pretty much everything else, your friendships change after having kids, too! Your once easy breezy meet ups, happy hour, that exercise class or restaurant you wanted to try, or even that girl’s trip, feel like a distant memory. Life with kids sends you into a different stratosphere with your free time and ability to invest in friendships. When baby calls, we know as moms, that it’s your time and energy that takes the biggest hit. Family takes the front seat on everything. This is totally normal, but we’re here to tell you that this is the time when you need your friends the most.
Hi! You don’t know us yet, but we’re about to get up close and personal. We are Alison and Natasha, from Back Up Plan productions in Los Angeles. We are moms, actresses, and producers on a mission to destigmatize postpartum recovery through laughter. Our award-winning film, The Hole Truth, is a love letter to the complexity and necessity of female friendships between mothers.
The Hole Truth takes our audience on the journey of Amy and Natalie who confess to each other that since childbirth, both of them have had terrible hemorrhoids and Natalie needs surgery. They decide (after checking each other's out) that they will have the surgery on the same day, and go on a well-deserved girl's trip where they will "recover" away from their families. The tears fall, the truth comes out, and the potty flushes as they define what it means to be "best friends" as adult women in the modern world.
Needless to say, we have a lot of insight on friendships after baby.
Here are six ways that your friendships change and why we are encouraging you to find a mom or two you like and buckle up for the ride, because everything is a lot more fun with a friend. Including momming.
TRAUMA BONDING
Alison says:
No one wants to hear your birth story. But your mom friends do. They wanna hear all about your epidural, your poop on the delivery table, and your cracked nipples.
Your new mom friends may even have new, different, and uglier experiences than you do. Maybe they have a hot tip or an important warning sign you shouldn’t ignore. Share away! If you can open up about your vulnerable moments with a friend, you start a beautiful trusting friendship, that your partner or your friends without kids, just can’t understand. There is nothing that brings women together more than a shared experience – like hemorrhoids!
CONQUER ISOLATION
Natasha says:
You’d think that adding a new little roommate would make you crave alone time. Don’t get me wrong, us moms 100% need time to ourselves, but even though you have a mini me attached to you for most of the day, mommying can be extremely isolating and lonely. Finding other moms who have similar aged kids is essential in riding this crazy rollercoaster called motherhood. Now more than ever, we need our friends as lifelines. You might not even be able to see your friends, but having someone you can chat to at a any time, about exactly how you’re feeling (uncensored) is essential. Don’t cut off your lifelines!
SCHEDULING YOUR TIME
Alison says:
Don’t skimp here. I know, you didn’t shave your legs and you ate your third granola bar of the day rather than making yourself breakfast. But make time! Even if it’s to push a stroller in the neighborhood, bring in take out, or just a phone call, find time to connect with a pal. Schedule it so you don’t keep putting it off. I always found that even just once a week, if I could connect with another mom, I found such relief in knowing that she was going through something similar. Make time for a mom friend. You will be glad that you did.
KINDRED SPIRIT
Natasha says:
I’m the kind of person who has a lot of close friends. I thrive on connecting with people, but after having my son, my friendships got DEEP!! We’d been in the trenches before with my colorful dating past and many bad decisions, but after having kids, the need to bare all with my tribe grew strong. There’s nothing like telling your deepest darkest confession to someone and having it be received with an “OMG me too!” or realizing that what you thought was completely exclusive to your crazy brain was actually fairly common. The more you share, the less crazy you feel – and motherhood sure can make you feel crazy. So, find those kindred spirits and dive in!!
STOP APOLOGIZING
Alison says:
As women, we apologize A LOT! That sucks. But with your mom friends, the good ones, you won’t have to. We all get it. You were up all night with a sick kid, your sitter cancelled, your dryer broke, you have a work emergency, moms know how much you are juggling. The best thing about Natasha and I is that we have each other’s back. We never have to say “sorry,” we just say “I got you!”
When I became a mom, I realized, every mom is doing the very best that they can with the cards they were dealt. Show yourself some grace, show your friend some grace, and I promise you it will come back around. No sorry necessary.
MINI MATCHMAKERS
Natasha says:
What you don’t realize when you first push out that screaming, crying, bundle of sleepless love, is that you just birthed the best social tool you will ever encounter. Your very own friend finder. Don’t get me wrong, your ride or die friends from your childless life will be crucial forever, but your new tiny baby will open up a social life that you never imagined. Don’t be afraid to accept new friendships that present themselves in mommy and me, preschool, and beyond. These new lifers are essential in widening your experiences and social circles. Meeting new friends as an adult can be hard, so let your kids do the heavy lifting. Besides, one day, they will entertain themselves and you may get to have an adult conversation again.
We truly believe that friendships are the only way to get through motherhood in one piece. It’s not always easy, but taking the deep dive is always worth it. Follow us on Instagram at @theholetruthfilm and let us know how your postpartum friendships are rocking your world ☺ And you can watch us explore this dynamic and more in our film The Hole Truth coming soon to a screen near you.
